What's in life?

What's in life?

What is there to look forward in life?

I've been thinking, am I living life the way I want? What is the life I want?

I had a lot to think during the bus trip back home from school. Today was one of those days I start staring into space, thinking about stuffs. I was given this white strip after my BCA group review. I flunked it. Don't think I even got 1 mark. (All I did was to say only one word -- pass.) In the bus I was fiddling with the strip, changing its form by a little to what it is now. I was sitting all alone in that one-seater seat. And guess what? I was happy about it. I wanted to be alone…I needed to be alone.


I'm not independent. I hate to be alone. I need friends. I need people to stay by my side. I need companions. The problem is, I'm not really open. The truth is, I'm "damn-it" in my own world. I realize I have become more and more closed up. What can make me open up? I seriously don't know and want to find out.

Every time I greet people I know with a smile, some do smile back but most of the time I realize they don't. They kept staring at me like I'm some kind of smiling-freak. What's wrong with me? I suppose this is one of the main reason why I don't approach people unless they come to me. I will only smile back or say "hi" whenever they greet me first. It's that why I always miss out on so many chances? Chances to improve the way I live? I don't know for sure.

Looks like the sky is as down as me too. As I was walking from the bus stop to my house, everywhere suddenly became so quiet. Only the sound of my heels and the music coming from my iPod. The clouds in the sky gradually became darker. And here I am in my brother's room looking out of the window at those clouds in the sky. It is like my mind. One side of it is really dark and moody, and the other side is bright and cheerful.

Everyday without fail there's work to do. It's like part of my teenage life is spent away quietly without my notice doing home works. It has become my daily routine. At times I switch to my dark and moody side and just want to slack. Sometimes I get so worked up that I start to do all my homework at once even though their datelines are like 1 week later. To those people whom have seriously known me will know I'm the sort to do last-minute work.

Interestingly, the part where the sky was really dark has brightened up a little. And somehow my mood is lifted from the moody side to neutral. I feel relaxed and better now. Blogging is great, that is if you can't find a person to relate your problems to. For example, me.