Speechless

Speechless

I thought it was all a joke.

I thought I was being fooled.

I thought my fears will go away.

But I thought wrong.

Ytd, recieved a call from jenn,

and got the shocking news.

I didn't believe it at first.

Coz everything was so...sudden.

The call was around 11.10pm,

just when I was watching BBT.

So naturally,

I wasn't really paying attention to the caller.

But after BBT,

I gave it some hard thoughts.

It just hit me.

I couldn't concentrate on my revision,

so decided to just go and sleep,

and find out the next day.

It was 12.30am.

I kept turning and tossing on my temporary bed,

couldn't get to sleep at all.

My thoughts didn't go away this morning either.

Woke up and realise

my aunty paid a visit,

at SO not the correct timing.

Didn't expect it at all.

Felt no pain.

The next moment,

I was in the bus on the way to school.

I wanted so badly to find out what happened,

coz I wanted to end all my thoughts

and concentrate on my revision.

Alighted and met with my classmates.

Most of them were wearing black.

The whole environment was so tensed,

but everyone were toking about their own stuff,

pretty much ignoring why everyone was there.

Then the time came to go up to the office.

All of us entered the lift,

and the environment was weird again.

Some tried to laugh it out,

others tried to maintain a peaceful mind.

Nobody knew what to expect.

One of our TRM teacher opened the door for us,

and she looked really bad.

The office was kind of dead,

my teacher brought us into a small room,

we stood in a semi-circle facing our teacher.

The room opposite had many BA teachers,

most were crying.

Then it hit me again.

Everything was real.

All of us stood silently listening to our teacher,

as she told us what exactly happened.

As we listened,

I could tell some of my classmates

were starting to collect tears in their eyes,

but trying to fight them back in too.

I was also doing the same.

At the end,

even my teacher dropped a few tears.

She tried to joke a few times,

so as not to make the environment so awkard.

But the environment was still weird.

At the end of the whole talk,

everyone was clear and knew what happened.

The lift to the ground floor became dead silent.

Nobody was able to talk or joke in the lift.

Evon mentioned it was the first time

our class became so silent.

We sat together in canteen 1,

looking at each other.

We didn't know what to say or do.

Nobody cried,

or at least all were able to fight back their tears.

Some seemed to be the same,

totally not affected.

I just can't help but to think,

even though we do not know him well,

at least he has been our tutor,

our lecturer before.

Don't you feel some or any

connection at all?

Just makes me feel that you are heartless.

I tried fighting my tears alot of times,

even on the way home.

That was the worst part.

I didn't want to cry on the bus,

I even tried to listen to happy songs.

Most of the time I was holding my tears back,

thinking back to those days.

I know how it feels like

to have lost someone close to you.

Even though we don't know him well enough,

at least he knew us.

I just cry easily.dunno why.

On the way back,

SJ's Haeng Bok & Miracle came in

one after the other.

Somehow, I got my courage back.

Somehow I was able to calm down.

At first I thought I was going to break down in my room,

but when I got home,

nothing came out.

Life has still got to go on.

I thought I needed to cry out

before I can start studying,

but I think I don't need to do that now.

At least for now,

I THINK I can handle it.

Of course,

I won't know for sure til I start studying.

It definitely came at the wrong time.

But if I got a choice,

I would still choose to hear the news,

rather than wait til the end of exams.

Life is fragile,

one was taken away unknowingly,

the other was taken away by himself.

Heard one student took his own life

this very morning.

So its like double shock to the

whole of BA school.

I wonder how the teachers are taking it so far.

They are more afraid of how

we are going to cope with our revision,

but I'm more afraid of them.

People always say to not take life for granted,

to cherish those beside you,

but does anyone actually practise all this?

Or do we just say it out from our mouth

just because its true?