You Found Me

You Found Me

New year calls for new goals.

But I haven't exactly came up with anything.

Everything is hanging.

My last semester in JCUS hang by a thread,

I haven't enrolled in any subjects

since before the exam.

Talked to the Dean,

but it takes FOREVER for a reply by Australia.

By the time they reply,

I might not even make it for the semester.

At least I got the Dean's words to lay on,

if anything goes wrong,

I'll bring out the 'Dean proof'.

So sickening lar.

Seriously regretting signing on JCUS,

just for the sake of graduating early.

What was I thinking sia?!

Finish so early also need come out work.

Brainless. Super brainless girl.

Everything about Australia just irks me now.

I had wanted to follow my parents to Melbourne nxt month,

but APPARENTLY, they wouldn't allow,

probably due to the fact that my bro will be alone at home.

But what the heck,

he is already 17+ & can take care of himself.

Nowadays they make decisions on their own lor,

not even wanting to consult their kids of ANYTHING.

'Oh! We are going to the airport now,

going to XXX, won't be back till XXXX! Take care!'

Fuck. That's not I want to hear.

They book all their flights already,

then come tell us they going.

Feb - Melbourne

April - Malaysia

WTF lor, like we invisible.

However, my dad did offer me to go to London in June,

after I grad from sickening JCUS.

As usual, there was an offer,

so he was keen to at least ask me

if I had wanted to go there ALONE.

I meant go there alone & stay at my aunt's house.

I'm still thinking about it,

but the offer expires on 2nd Feb. How?!

The other day got an 'offer' to go Brisbane

after I grad to work at Conrad Hotel.

My Uncle works there as a Chef,

he 'invited' me over to work,

and also can stay at his house.

I wasn't very keen to go there,

after the fucking experience I had during the TRM trip.

I just don't feel I can survive on my own.

(I meant survive on my own as in dealing with

all the work and stuff 'alone', as well as living 'alone',

excluding my Uncle's family)

I was initially keen to work in a Hotel,

as receptionist or something,

but that interest decreased after working in some hotels.

All my relatives were like JOing me to go Aust.,

say what go there for experience,

go le won't want to come back,

go there and settle there,

get out of Singapore etc.

I feel like if I didn't go,

I would have let them down.

I have a problem with opening up,

especially to such a new place,

mind you I have not started working FULL-TIME.

So everything is like,

an imagination.

Can say I'm not exactly prepared to OFFICIALLY

enter the work force.

Something is holding me back,

which explains why I'd rather stay at home

and rot than to go look for jobs.

It's not about the $$, nor being lazy.

I'm probably more afraid of setbacks.

I tried working,

but it didn't work out well.

I always seem to take 1 step out of my comfort zone,

then after 1 setback,

I take a whole leap back into my comfort zone.

After so much education of being open and active,

I don't think I have changed abit.

For once,

I CANNOT imagine myself going to a foreign country

and working/staying by myself.

I mean I 'LOVE' being alone,

but alone in a foreign country? - NO way.

I know I have support from relatives,

but it's different.

I understand why people go overseas for jobs,

Singapore kind of sucks,

being small and kind of compressed.

I don't mean the job opportunity sucks,

but its not as big a place as overseas.

Seriously, I have always wanted to work overseas,

like in ang mo places,

find an ang mo husband and possibly settle there.

But I'm afraid to take that step ahead.

It feels like once I step out,

I got no comfort zone to leap back into.

Maybe I shouldn't think so negatively.

Maybe there is greener grass over the wall.

Maybe I will find my lucky star abroad.

But who knows?!

I can't predict my future,

but I believe I create them, with the help of fate.

If I can convince myself to step abroad,

I'm sure the rest will come slowly.

If I can convince myself to open up,

I'm sure I'll get better luck with work & rltp.

If I can convince myself to stop worrying so much,

I might see a bright future in me~

But first I need to convince myself to

convince all these things onto myself.

I got to start somewhere right?

If I can't even take that step ahead,

I will forever be stuck in my shell.

The problem is,

when & where should I take my first step out?