Unwanted Pain...

Unwanted Pain...

I realise I've been holding onto you for far too long..It's time for me to let go..I don't have the right to destroy your life..take it that I never have appeared on this earth..take me as another invisible being..take it that you don't see me at all................................... because I will also be doing the same thing.

Why am I dropping tears knowing that it's nothing to cry about? Why do I feel the pain of letting go? Why do I feel so useless and hopeless?

I HATE YOU......I hate you for coming into my world.....I hate you for messing with my heart........I hate you for the pain I have.........I hate this world.....

NEVER LET GO OF MY HANDS...

NEVER LET GO OF MY HANDS...

As usual, ISAN was on. They told us of a change in teaching plan for us next semester. We are going to attach ourselves to the various available Year 2 and 3 skaters. Whom should we attach ourselves with? Hopefully not someone...*bleah.

Today's skating was really BORING! They only know how to play slow baby tunes. Those that make babies fall asleep de...very sianz...and all the senior skaters sort of went "kuku". They actions are already childish enough and when you add the background music? It seems like they are new-born babies crying for their mommies and daddies..(there's one moment where all of them just sat on the ice in the middle of the rink playing ice. Can you imagine the babies playing? Haha...I'm really bad...but it's really funny.!) The only time they played some real music was towards the end. One of my favourite songs came on just as I was heading to the toilet. By the time we came out, I ran to the rink and started to skate a bit and that's when the song ended..Very fustrating right? Somemore it was then that I realised my right skate's lace had loosen...Haiz....next time should really bring our own cds and ask them to play for us. Heez...that will be really really cool~!!

Ice-skating has always help me forget about everything that stresses me up. When I skate, I only concentrate on skating and nothing else. To me it's a great feeling because I like to think a lot...but today, somehow I wasn't that enjoying myself. I mean, ya..I was laughing throughout the time when our seniors started to go babyish but somehow, I feel that something's missing. I don't feel complete. I didn't had the mood to skate. Maybe the songs they were playing played a huge part for me not being able to enjoy myself. (Those songs really sucks!)

Really need to learn the one-leg glide ASAP! I don't want to be left behind...so must work harder. And of course I need someone to teach me......

PS: I'm still waiting for my new pair of BLUE gloves...
I was really really happy that Junyang likes BLUE too!! BLUE rocks!! Hahaz....
But it's a huge pity he didn't get in...haiz....

Will you take my hands and never let go through times of good and bad? Please don't let go of my hands...like in the korean drama "Stairway to Heaven", Where Cheng Jun Oppa and Jing Shu were skating and holding on to each others' hands tightly, but they fell and lost grip of each others' hands. Their fate eventually left them forever.........
I don't want our fate to end like them......

Interesting...

Interesting...

Hey..I found the lyrics of this song really meaningful in some ways. It's the song by Good Charlotte "We believe". Somehow I get really into the song whenever I hear the song especially the lyrics. Here's a bit of the lyrics...

"There's a woman crying out tonight
Her world has changed
She asks God why
Her only son has died
And now her daughter cries
She can't sleep at night"

"So this world
Is too much
For you to take
Just lay it down and follow me
I'll be everything you need
In every way"

"We believe.........in this love...."

But then again, you will need to listen to the song to get the real feel out of it. I once blogged about this song and how it had affected me somehow and I think the song is great.

I've just jotted down a list of movies to rent and watch..and not to my surprise, they are all romance ones and also tear-jerking...I'm prepared to go into battle with the tissue papers...I just want to drown my sorrows in my own tears..like how I did when I watched Stairway to Heaven for the second time. I missed the first episode. I watched the second and not even one minute into the show I started crying...all the way to the end of episode...I've seen it before and so..I know the ending..so I just cried thinking about the ending...it's really sad...really really sad.....And I can't help it by not crying...I get teary very easily...I repeat...is VERY easily...especially these few days...been quite down...

*So don't try triggering my sorrow switch..I may just start crying in front of you...............................

What's in life?

What's in life?

What is there to look forward in life?

I've been thinking, am I living life the way I want? What is the life I want?

I had a lot to think during the bus trip back home from school. Today was one of those days I start staring into space, thinking about stuffs. I was given this white strip after my BCA group review. I flunked it. Don't think I even got 1 mark. (All I did was to say only one word -- pass.) In the bus I was fiddling with the strip, changing its form by a little to what it is now. I was sitting all alone in that one-seater seat. And guess what? I was happy about it. I wanted to be alone…I needed to be alone.


I'm not independent. I hate to be alone. I need friends. I need people to stay by my side. I need companions. The problem is, I'm not really open. The truth is, I'm "damn-it" in my own world. I realize I have become more and more closed up. What can make me open up? I seriously don't know and want to find out.

Every time I greet people I know with a smile, some do smile back but most of the time I realize they don't. They kept staring at me like I'm some kind of smiling-freak. What's wrong with me? I suppose this is one of the main reason why I don't approach people unless they come to me. I will only smile back or say "hi" whenever they greet me first. It's that why I always miss out on so many chances? Chances to improve the way I live? I don't know for sure.

Looks like the sky is as down as me too. As I was walking from the bus stop to my house, everywhere suddenly became so quiet. Only the sound of my heels and the music coming from my iPod. The clouds in the sky gradually became darker. And here I am in my brother's room looking out of the window at those clouds in the sky. It is like my mind. One side of it is really dark and moody, and the other side is bright and cheerful.

Everyday without fail there's work to do. It's like part of my teenage life is spent away quietly without my notice doing home works. It has become my daily routine. At times I switch to my dark and moody side and just want to slack. Sometimes I get so worked up that I start to do all my homework at once even though their datelines are like 1 week later. To those people whom have seriously known me will know I'm the sort to do last-minute work.

Interestingly, the part where the sky was really dark has brightened up a little. And somehow my mood is lifted from the moody side to neutral. I feel relaxed and better now. Blogging is great, that is if you can't find a person to relate your problems to. For example, me.

Slack On!!

Slack On!!

Haiz...have been slacking for the past few days especially today...didn't want to do any hw and project work..hahaz...i feel so bad and lost now...

Anyway, today didn't want to wake up so early..but no choice..cause my grandparents around..and they are used to waking up early in the morning..but I only woke up at cloes to 8.30am..I realised my dad and my grandpa are both missing....they went for their morning walk in the park!! My grandpa woke up exceptionally early (sun haven't even rise yet!!) and said he wanted to go for a walk...so my dad accompanied him...they went out for about 1 and a half hours...! Still in a state of shock at how my grandpa can still walk and stay SO healthy at his age...He looks more like 60+ to me..hahaz...

A few days back I read an email sent from my uncle in Kuching to my dad..he said many things about how to take care of my grandparents..you see...my grandparents originally lives in Kanowit...where it is really those kampong area but a little better...their technology ain't good too...they live all by themselves...then my grandma fell and my uncles and aunties at Kuching thought that they better come down to Kuching..so they can take better care of them..afterall they've come to an age where its quite difficult living alone..

In the email, my uncle wrote lots of funny things to keep in mind about my grandparents..but I'm drawn to the last sentence..."Try to let them stay longer for about 2 weeks although they will keep saying they will bother you." I'm still quite puzzled with this sentence..to me, it may mean that having them to come to and fro from Singapore to Kuching is quite tiring for them. So letting them stay longer can help...but another of me thinks that...its probably due to the fact that my uncle and his family may need to take a break (cause its quite tiring having to take care of them..based on the fact that they are old people..)...hahaz...I'm just kidding...nevertheless I think my mum will be able to handle...I hope?!

Ever since they came on saturday, we have been sitting together as a family after dinner in the living room facing the alter where we say our rosary..It has become their habit..it became part of their life...(my grandpa once said he won't be able to sleep if he doesn't say the rosary.)It's probably because they pray everyday that they are able to stay so alive and healthy? I really admire them...they have lots of faith..not like me..haiz...I'm a bad example...don't follow me...bleah....

Anyway, now I'm enjoying the comfort of Air-conditioning..hahaz....plus the fact that I'll be sharing the room with my brother...haiz....I get a neutral mood.....so..I'm off to my dreamland!! Everybody there, wait for me!! I'm coming!!!! PS: Must remember to catch me. Don't let me float into other dreamland.. Hahaz...so childish........................Good nitez!

PS:: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!! ENJOY YOUR LAST 1 HOUR AND 8 MINUTES OF YOUR BIRTHDAY!! CONTINUE TO ROCK ON!!! (while I continue to slack on...BLEAH!!)

Tiring Day!!

Tiring Day!!

Hey hey...I'm back after yesterday. haha..today had stuff to talk about so...here I go...

Btw..to correct what I said yesterday, my grandparents are actually 89 and 87 respectively..as you can see...I've even lost count of their age..haiz...I mean..they seem to have age a lot since I last saw them..and I'm truely amazed!! They are still as fit as ever, even though they start walking with much more effort..but, you really cant tell that they are already reaching 90!! I'm still kind of shocked...hahaz...

Anyway, I had to be woken up by my mum screaming "Wake up and clean up!! They are coming!!" They of course referring to my grandparents..I had to wake up..no choice..and the time was 8.15am...I had planned to wake up at 9am instead, cause I know they would only reach here at about 12pm...and guess what? My mum thought they would be reaching by 10pm+...I corrected her, telling her that I had asked my dad about the time and he said they will be reaching JOHOR airport at bout 10pm..cause my dad left house for JB airport to fetch them at bout close to 7am in the morning...he wanted to try to take public transport there....

I don't blame my mum for not remembering the time..cause anyway i still need to clean up my room for them before they come..its only a matter of cleaning it earlier or later...

Today, its my first time ever in helping my mum to prepare lunch and dinner..(well, its more of the dinner..cause my aunt and her family of 4 came here to eat..at the same time to see my grandparents.) I mean seriously, I actually had to cut and slice and even prepare dessert..its my first ever time..hahaz...and naturally I had to ask my mum about almost everything from "How to cut?" to "Like that can le ar?" hahaz...but the whole process was quite enjoyable..I feel like Da Chang Jin at some point..hehez...

And now, here I am writing my blog..I have to make it a quick one..as you see..the whole house has already turn in..including my dad and mum..I'm the only one awake at this time..and its only 10.27pm...cause tomorrow is going to be an early and long day for everyone..everyone is tired today..especially my mum..haiz...tomorrow have to wake up at 6.30am to prepare for the chinese mass at 8.15am..(my family normally go for english masses at 9.45a. or 11.30am..) and my uncle from Malaysia sent an email to my dad saying that we better get ready before my grandma does because she doesn't like to wait for anyone...although she is old, but she really can prepare faster than even my dad...hahaz...so tomorrow..we shall see......

I got to go and sleep le...tomorrow still got lotz of work to finish up..heez...bye!

Sarang Ha Myun Hal Soo Rok

Sarang Ha Myun Hal Soo Rok

As usual, I'm posting on fridays again..hahaz...got to change that "habit" of mine..must try to post every other days..but may not have time and I'm lazy to type...haha...

ISAN on as usual, and finally C is able to teach us something new...for the past 2 weeks, there were no special lessons so all of us were kind of lost and just played and enjoyed ourselves. Today somehow seems kind of serious..everyone busy learning new things and we had a ISAN meeting today also..a sepcial one..haha..I don't want to talk more about it.....But..overall still manage to enjoy myself..*pissed; why are you so ignorant?! You don't seem serious and sincere...one word "player"!!!*

Anyway, we went home by MRT then me and HH drop off at Woodlands mrt to take a cab back home..haha...didn't want to reach home too late...haiz...my paternal grandparents from Malaysia are coming tomorrow..had to arrange certain things by then. Haven't seen them since last Dec holiday...went to visit them then...its been close to 8 months now..not seeing them...suddenly feel that they have grown old really a lot...

My dad say this may be their last visit here to Singapore..so try to bear with it..when I heard that, I started to think..for the past few years I have always taken trips back to Malaysia for granted..I never seemed to be very happy about visiting them..all the mosquitoes and bugs...I really "hated" to go there...but now..even being about 85 yrs old for both, my grandma feel down lots of times, once went into coma...my grandpa still quite strong as ever, doing gardening and mending their fish pond in their own house...I suddenly regreted a lot..I really want to spend more time with them..you won't know how long more you get to see them...I just want to use the next week to spend more time with them...K ONE autograph session this sunday?I may have to skip it...Going out with ex-classmates on tuesday? Will also need to be put aside..

I feel like crying...I'm listening to the song "We Believe" by Good Charlotte while writing about my grandparents...I don't know why..but it somehow went deep into my heart..lots of mixed feelings...not only for my grandparents..but also for other things...many other things...................

Guys are suppose to be more Zu Dong...but they don't seem to understand that when it comes to love...

I've been waiting...waiting all this while for your care and your love...I dream about you everyday...wouldn't you give you and me a chance?

"Sarang ha myon hal soo rok keu dae keu ri weo ka seum ah pa doh
ee geot man eun mid deo yo ggeut chi ah ni ran keol."
"If we are in love we shouldn't worry about our hearts becoming lonely or broken
I just believe that this is not the end."

Lyrics of "Sarang Ha Myun Hal Soo Rok" from The Classic Movie..its a korean movie..damn sad but really nice...very romantic and many surprises too!!! Heez...go find its vcd! Really worth...